I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
