If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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