I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
