i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
