hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
