Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I supernannyed him into submission
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
