So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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