You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
