Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
