I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
