After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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