can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
