You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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