I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
