She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I need to calm my uterus...
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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