Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
he fucked my hip out of place.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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