Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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