just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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