I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Randomize
