my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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