its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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