You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
