it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
