I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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