no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
