I cockslap morals
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
