Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
