I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
