***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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