Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
