I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
