I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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