Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
