I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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