Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
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