Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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