I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
