can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
you didnt know i had herpes?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
