Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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