Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
