My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
