I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
