It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
