Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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