hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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