saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
