If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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