Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
