Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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