yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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