Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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