Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
