It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
