Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
