Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Vodka?
Forever.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Randomize
