Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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