Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
