do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
