Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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