there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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