i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
