I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
