The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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